Tuesday, March 27, 2012

She Says, She Means: Does this make me look fat?

Okay, yes I have  asked Bear his opinion on what I am wearing for an evening out with him.  I would like to point out that I STOPPED torturing asking him almost 14 years.

Does this make me look fat?

To understand the meaning behind this question, one needs to see what has happened to necessitate the torture question.

When this question is asked, the woman knows the answer. Contrary to all those men who think they know what women want to hear is NO.  Ah you are wrong.

The question is used by women when there body shape has changed, recently, and they don't know how to dress the new shape.  This does not necessarily mean that the woman is overweight.  Just that her shape has changed.  You may not have noticed because she's been wearing sweats and slippers for the last 6 months.

Let me give an example: A couple had a child 6 months ago.  The woman has ALMOST returned to her pre-pregnancy weight.  The difference is say 7 lbs.  Half of which is probably the milk she is producing,  you know, because of all the pressure she was getting that breastfeeding is the BEST for the baby, which also explains why she is bigger up top.  She has spent the last six months still wearing her maternity tops to make room for the extra milk, and has not had the time to actually go out and buy anything appropriate for an evening out. All she has left is the evening attire that fit like a dream before she got pregnant with your spawn, but now stretches and pulls just a little too much across the chest, and she knows the top will get tighter throughout the night because she won't be nursing every two hours.

The other half was gained below the waist, and gravity and skin having lost elasticity means that she is loosey goosey and the cute little skirt that made her look so hawt, now reveals every lump and bulge remnant of the pregnancy.

She doesn't have anything decent to wear.  She is trying to look good with stuff that doesn't fit.

In short, she is  torturing you asking because you dared to invite her out before she a) got her pre-pregnancy figure back b) before she reached the acceptance stage regarding her new measurements or c) got herself a brand new wardrobe. ( Clue in either case she wants a new wardrobe)

Want she wants is to wear that red dress that is your favourite, that makes you go hubba hubba, and makes every other man out there respect you for having such a hawt wife, but that slinky red dress doesn't fit because the last time she wore that little number, and you went hubba hubba was 15 months ago. (Remember the kid's 6 months old. Do the math!)  So it's your fault that she lost her girlish figure, so,,,,

So she asks your opinion. She isn't asking you if she looks good enough for you: she knows you are stuck taking her as she is.  What she wants to know is: can she still turn other men's heads - and in a good way! She wants to know that you will still need to beat the other guys off with a stick.

Does this make  me look fat? = Can you see that I've lost my girlish figure because of you, and I need a new wardrobe, so what are you going to do about it!

BTW If she's lost her girlish figure and there was no pregnancy... ah ....well, then... it's still your fault.
If you try to deny the blame, she will so find a reason it is your fault and she will totally pwn you, so skip the fight and accept the blame.)


Any other suggestions for translations of woman-speak to man-speak, please place in commbox

1 comment:

Bear-i-tone said...

Okay, explain this one: "I'll be ready in five minutes."

Scripture to keep in mind

Six things there are, which the Lord hateth, and the seventh his soul detesteth: [17] Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, [18] A heart that deviseth wicked plots, feet that are swift to run into mischief, [19]A deceitful witness that uttereth lies, and him that soweth discord among brethren. [20] My son, keep the commandments of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother. ***Cf:Douay-Rheims Proverbs 6: 16-20

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