Saturday, April 23, 2011

I never promised to obey

my husband.

Bear and I married back in 1993.  I remember, clearly, the two of us in Fr. John's rectory office planning the Nuptial Mass, back in 1992.  Fr. asked us which wording we wanted for the wedding ceremony. He also reminded us that we could write our own vows, but if we did that there were some guidelines to follow.  I remember Bear and I looking at eacher and both shaking our heads.  NO. 

Bear choose to LOVE, HONOUR and CHERISH me.  It is the pretty standard vow for the guy

Father, asked me simply : Do you want to OBEY him.  That was a big question back then

I said: No

Bear: What do you mean, you won't obey me?

Me:  I know my faults, I am not standing up before God a vowing to obey you, when I know I won't always do that.  An if you think, I'm going to marry you and empty my brain so that I can't have a thought or an opinion of my own, you've got another thing coming.(  I wasn't going to give up all authority and responsibility to make decisions.  I was only marrying him, not becoming his serf. ) Besides, if I could master obedience, I would have become a nun. 

Father: How about, LOVE, HONOUR  and RESPECT.  Can you vow to respect him?

Me: Yes, I can honestly promise to respect him.  But wait, doesn't that imply that he has to be respectable?

Father: Yes

The upshot of all this is Bear has to be respectable and I have to be cherishable. I have to admit I got the easier gig.

Also, in the marriage ceremony, Bear did NOT endow me with all his worldly goods, (like his name and titles) like the protestants do. Which is why in Protestant Countries, like England, women on mass, take their husband's name. Actually they don't take so much as they have it foisted on them.

Traditionally Catholic Countries: Italy, Spain, France, Poland, Russia, etc  Women aren't given their husband's name , so they keep their own names. Though, I don't hit the roof, if you call me Mrs Bear-i-tone.

There is a particular protocol when a woman uses Mrs or Miss. But that is another post, for another time.

But the real reason I haven't changed my ID is I'm too damn lazy.

So I am asking ladies, if you are married, two questions 1: did you promise to obey, and 2: did you take your husband's name, ie, change all your ID

8 comments:


The Ranter said...
No and yes. I will write more later...I have a toddler on my lap and that makes it hard. How long have you been married?
Puff the Magic Dragon said...
1993-til now coming up to 18 years
The Ranter said...
No, I didn't promise to obey, I think I promised something pretty close to what you wrote. Interesting about women in Catholic countries *not* taking their husband's name. I guess I just thought it was kinda silly not to take his name. In a way, I just kinda looked down upon the 'ultra-feminists' who make their husband take their name and other such silliness. I didn't see/don't see how taking my husband's name means I am participating in some ultra-patriarchal system that's trying to keep me barefoot and pregnant.
Puff the Magic Dragon said...
That's not what I meant, sorry if that is how the post came off. I just am rather trying to point out that if you do or don't take your husband's name does make you anything but a woman. There are some people who automatically assume that a woman who does not change all her ID is some kind of feminist, less than real Catholic. I just wanted to say Catholics can either take or not take. Both are honourable and has a long tradition behind the usage. Neither makes you any less of a Catholic. The post was a reaction not an initial action. Sorry
Puff the Magic Dragon said...
@ Ranterhowlong have you been married? How old is your little one, and how many babes have you?
Mary333 said...
No, I didn't promise to obey either. It never came up, actually. I have been married for 16 years and I thought they had stopped using the term obey quite a while back. I know it wasn't used during my wedding ceremony, anyway. Ooops! I probably shouldn't have admitted that! There are those who might say my marriage isn't valid ;) Like you, I get very frustrated at the Catholic in-fighting that goes on these days (especially online). I always thought that I was a strict Catholic until I started blogging!
The Ranter said...
No...you didn't come off that way :-) I understood your point. I honestly had never known the Protestant/Catholic thing. We have two kiddos...4 and 2; married a little over 9 years now. Always hoping for another, but right now, that's not His will.
Puff the Magic Dragon said...
Mine are Girl 15 years Girl 8 years Boy 10 months God works in mysterious ways. I'm so old, I thought my last was menopause.

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Scripture to keep in mind

Six things there are, which the Lord hateth, and the seventh his soul detesteth: [17] Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, [18] A heart that deviseth wicked plots, feet that are swift to run into mischief, [19]A deceitful witness that uttereth lies, and him that soweth discord among brethren. [20] My son, keep the commandments of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother. ***Cf:Douay-Rheims Proverbs 6: 16-20

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